PAM!

Lordamercy, Turbo Jerry, I freakin' never stop with the swooning.

Whatever.

Just what ever.

YOU GO THROW A BALL FOR THAT BABY!

Newborn diapers fit a dog that size. Allegedly. Not that I've ever diapered a small dog. Allegedly.

I have done
All the laundry
You dropped off

Except for
Your boyfriend's

Forgive me
But he's
A rapist
And a meth head.

I have an alt. Yes. Been running nude on The Internet under an assumed identity almost 5 years now.

We weren't told about this growing up because everyone was allowed to blow out the candles on their 40th birthday cake then head straight in for a hysterectomy.

Sorry. I don't interact with you from my small account, you don't like me there and I plum forgot to do it from here. My bad.

When it finally happens I'm buying THE WHITEST PANTS EVER. OPTIC WHITE.

(throws all my sunhats and caftans in a valise)

I'm kinda glad a lot of people left Twitter altogether so I can come back here and talk about what a...oh, sorry. Wrong tab.

YOU NEVER ASKED. I'M READY. I'M SO READY.

Yes, I finally found the green onions you bought. In my defense, they are usually green.

Thatsa lotta money bro. I'm honestly good with $22 an hour.

If social media hasn't broken you yet it will when she ghosts you a year and a half in.

(covers Pillow Boyfriend's ears)

(once again coyly waving to remind you I'm here)

If you menstruate past age 50 you should get to punch God right in the bits.

I've not washed it in many, maaanny weeks because I'm saving up all my essential oils to protect my scalp from the impending bleaching. It is both willy and nilly.

Gosh darn hair is gosh darn unruly up in here.

I THINK WE SHOULD, AT THIS JUNCTURE, JUST LET THE RABBIT DECIDE HOW THEY WISH TO BE ADDRESSED.

NOW HOLD RIGHT THE HECK UP.

Yes. Together. Yes.

and cottage cheese?

I've always wanted a clean room bathroom.

If they came in one, yes. Those store packages are designed just for that.

Okay.

Don't fret. He'll go away if you don't feed him and once he realizes I think chubby self actualized dudes are hot.

That's a weird take. I care if the people I follow are hot and funny. It's why I follow them. It's the whole point.

Somewhere out there is a woman attempting to enjoy some ylang-ylang and hemp aromatherapy and her 51 year old husband won't stop texting "what is a baking potato?" from the grocery store.

Real men have some chonk to 'em, Turbo Jerry. Thems the FACTS.

I swear, I've never seen a bathtub as big as mine outside a magazine and it's pretty much the best thing in my life.

not so loud, man

Just when I begin to worry people will find my account and learn I'm really hot and funny...

It's for berries. Berries in a small, shallow vessel means they don't get crushed. They're delicate.

May I be the first to say:

Sir, your Wiener is really cute.

I'm a little confused because I thought you were beef jerky, which was the only reason I followed.

🥹

Next time I cut mine I'm sending you a whole bag.

Lol.

Wife.

Yes. That's about right.

Classic Pam.

This dog may be my spirit animal, in all honesty.

THAT'S THE STUFF, TURBO JERRY!

Beef lo mien sandwich. Build it. I believe. I BELIEVE IN YOU TURBO JERRY.

Booooo!

(nods)

I like 'em a little chonky.

We need stronger people. Sturdier. Above all, we need those less concerned for their personal welfare.

It seems a simple thing, why don't most people get it?!