My blood type is O.
As in O no.

Nothing quite like being breathalyzed first thing at work on a Monday morning.

According to this podcast, 52 is considered elderly. As in “sweet old lady”.

Do with this what you will.

Listen. Two wrongs don’t make a right. But best believe if I poke my left eye with my mascara wand, I will probably poke the right one too.

Them: Bruh! We said ‘on God’ man, not ‘en guard’

Me: *sad trombone noises as I sheath my rapier*

You live to yeet another day.

I don’t have nightmares. But I do occasionally dream about my exes and that’s kind of the same thing.

Me: eating dessert and drinking wine In bed.

Also me: wow how did you that know I’m single?!

Makeup is the OG face filter.

Them: Hi.

Hello.

How are you?

Me: I don’t do DMs, sorry.

Them: So what do you do?

This is why we can’t have nice things.

That feeling when you think of the right “big” word without having to use the thesaurus.

I am fairly sure that, given the funding, I could prove that there is a connection between seasonal depression and Mariah Carey.

Them: What that mouth do?

Me: Hurt feelings and get me into trouble, mostly.

My stomach feels weird.

Definitely need my guts rearranged.

I added a shot of whiskey to my Momster and now it tastes like Metallica.

This is a thirst trap.

Sssssh just use your imagination.

😘😘

Search link Please and thank you?

How good am I in bed?

I can drink 2 cups of coffee and go straight back to sleep.

I think it’s time I start posting my random thoughts here again instead of blurting them out in company.

Daily Affirmations:
None of this is real.
We’re all going to die.
Trust no one.

Me: dives headfirst into the dating pool, proceeding to hit the concrete bottom and splatter my brains across the floor.